Oubliette

i'm not one to be morose for the sake of drama, but i don't have the best self esteem.

i say that. while i've never been inside your head, i'm willing to bet we share the same number self doubting, self depreciating moments in an average day, or else you're an egotistical jerk that i'd rather not associate with. to a person who struggles with these kinds of feelings, the idea that we are all suffering from a kind of corporate malaise is comforting; believing that you are as inferior as i think i am makes me happy. call it shadenfrueda.

as a counter-measure to this "inferiority complex," many of us, present company included, project a version of ourselves that we think we want to be. jr high health class would call it self esteem vs. self image, i myself, while constantly doubting my own ability and self-worth, do apparently project such a confident version that many consider me arrogant and cocky... so maybe i over shot a little bit. suddenly, i'm obsessed with whether or not i, in fact, am both of these... a vicious cycle doth thus begin.

this cycle of thought runs nearly constantly in the back of my head and must be constantly ignored if i want to do anything out of routine. i don't believe this is the healthiest way to cope with such a situation, but shrinks aren't cheap so it'll do.

despite even this discussion, i'm not a self-loathing cutter who wants to be dropped into an oubliette for the rest of my life, though it sounds relaxing. i merely suspect these leanings are normal and get over it, knowing that i'm as capable as anyone else and better looking to boot.

how that for self-affirmation?

wordy dating incompetence

there are so many things on which i have absolutely NO clue. while i'm a self proclaimed jack-of-all-trades, have no allusions, i am definitely a master at none of them.

however, i do have the uncanny ability to get myself into situations for which there is no other recourse than learn my way out of it. this attribute has found me in tight spaces stripping wires, high places rigging ropes, and low places trying desperately to claw my way up. it not only forces me to be in places i would love to avoid, but puts me with people i, other wise, wouldn't have known, a blessing for a fairly anti-socialite such as myself, people with the knack.

scott adams defines the knack as a intuitive understanding of all things electrical and mechanical accompanied by utter social ineptitude. since i don't claim to have the market cornered on either one of the former traits, neither do i pretend to fall complete victim to latter. being the product of a texas, black-dirt farm, however, i don't interact well with others, and this is the wet paper bag that i'm currently learning my way out of.

as does a good thinker not always a good engineer make, neither does a good speaker always find his social agenda full, but when a knack-ridden rural-ite finds himself in a social situation he tries desperately to move attention off of himself. example:

several weeks ago i met a young lady for dinner and she, unexpectedly, brought several other lady friends. having come straight from work, i was not necessarily dressed to impress and not feeling too terribly charming. yet, there i was with four lovely young women, one especially, trying to live up to the opportunity. on the outside i was poised, confident, witty and calm, but it was, predictably, an all together other story in my head.

i was constantly repeating, "don't say anything nerdy, don't say anything nerdy," when one of my female companions said (over the wine i only pretended to fully appreciate), "what is it you do?" dammit!

oh well, live and learn...

fireflies...

it's been some time since i've felt the need to relay my inmost thoughts to the masses on an all-together unread blog. if these posts are read by no one but myself and the NSA, my time will not be ill-spent.

tonight i sit idly, waiting for the proper time for things to happen, with tiny white spots burning into the backs of my retinas. if these spots are the results of simple eyestrain brought on by hours of computer use, then a blog describing them is more than mere futility; it would be an example of stupidity reserved for people who drink beer and use chainsaw simultaneously, an exacerbation of one's sentience. knowing a problem and acknowledging it through the same scenario that brought on that problem to begin with borders on the ridiculous and even insane!

yet here i sit, the blinding white spots of irritation, which are almost certainly precursors for cataracts, burrowing their way through my brain into my stomach and all i can do is stare at the source of my troubles wondering, "why? o, why, machine, do you detest me so? to promise so much, require so little and reward me nothing but a feeling of accomplishment in today's minutia, a trivial understanding of the workings of things; it would be comedic if it wasn't so cruel."

or maybe i'm just tired...