Oubliette

i'm not one to be morose for the sake of drama, but i don't have the best self esteem.

i say that. while i've never been inside your head, i'm willing to bet we share the same number self doubting, self depreciating moments in an average day, or else you're an egotistical jerk that i'd rather not associate with. to a person who struggles with these kinds of feelings, the idea that we are all suffering from a kind of corporate malaise is comforting; believing that you are as inferior as i think i am makes me happy. call it shadenfrueda.

as a counter-measure to this "inferiority complex," many of us, present company included, project a version of ourselves that we think we want to be. jr high health class would call it self esteem vs. self image, i myself, while constantly doubting my own ability and self-worth, do apparently project such a confident version that many consider me arrogant and cocky... so maybe i over shot a little bit. suddenly, i'm obsessed with whether or not i, in fact, am both of these... a vicious cycle doth thus begin.

this cycle of thought runs nearly constantly in the back of my head and must be constantly ignored if i want to do anything out of routine. i don't believe this is the healthiest way to cope with such a situation, but shrinks aren't cheap so it'll do.

despite even this discussion, i'm not a self-loathing cutter who wants to be dropped into an oubliette for the rest of my life, though it sounds relaxing. i merely suspect these leanings are normal and get over it, knowing that i'm as capable as anyone else and better looking to boot.

how that for self-affirmation?